The past few days I have been really sad. There’s a few reasons for that.
First Reason: I keep remembering that a year ago this month I started dating my ex, and things were great, and I was so excited and so happy. In fact, a year ago today was the first time he invited me back to his place. I remember everything about that night, and how perfect it was. How we got drinks and how after we were kissing in my car and laughing that the center console was in the way. How he was so sweet when he suggested going back to his place since he’s nearby, and how I knew he wasn’t trying to just get into my pants. How he kissed me. How he made me feel. It was perfect. It hurts. I miss him so much and I can’t stop thinking about him.
Second Reason: One of my best friends just started seeing a new guy. He seems great, and she is so happy, and I’m happy for her. I really am so glad she found someone, but it’s hard to hear about the cute things he said to her and how good the dates are. And I would never want her to not tell me how she’s feeling and how the new relationship is going, but it’s hard to be sympathetic when she’s stressed about what to say back to a flirty text, and overthinking what she should do. There are a few times where I wanted to say “my heart feels like it’s shattered even more in the last couple days, and you’re freaking out because you don’t know what smiley face to send.” And I don’t want to be this shitty friend. I know it’s not all about me, I would never tell her not to share these things, and I’m going to be there for her while she crafts the perfect text message. I just miss that happy “I’m going to text the boy I like” feeling.
Third Reason: So, I have a friend that I dated briefly (when I actually move past my sadness I’m going to write posts about past dating experiences and I’ll share more about him), and we had tried the whole friends with benefits thing after we both realized we were not a romantic match. He brought up going back into that since we were both unattached, and I thought “what the hell”. I figured this might help me move past the ex and not think about him. A stepping stone back to physical intimacy.
We got drinks the other day, went back to my car, and started making out. As soon as his hands started wandering I felt overwhelmed with sadness and couldn’t do it. I burst into tears and had to tell him I couldn’t, and he stopped and let me cry and held my hand and sat with me while I tried to sort through my feelings. I kept apologizing and he kept telling me to knock it off, there was nothing to apologize for. After a long hug where he let me cry on his shoulder, I settled down and told him the reason for my sadness was because I still love my ex. “I still love mine too” he told me, “That’s okay. That’s normal” But it’s not just that I still care about my ex. “No” I said, “I don’t still just love him, I’m still in love with him. And that’s the difference.”
It really is. You can still love someone from your past and care about them, and wish them the best in life, but it’s not the same as still being in love with them. Where you think about them constantly, and still crave the way they kissed you, and and to share your life with them.
Fourth Reason: I’m upset with my whole general being, so this reminder of the happiness I had is just icing on the cake. Unemployed, no money, no prospects for anything – and quite honestly, a lack of romance is the least of it. I’ve been under so much pressure about jobs and finances and it’s really getting to me. I feel like I’m forever going to be stuck living this life and I feel like I’m drowning. Forever trapped in this unhappy spot where I have nothing going for me. I can’t see past it, no matter how hard I try. I feel like I’ll never get started on a career, I’ll never be able to afford what I need, and I’ll always be stuck living at home with my parents, who are wonderful and supportive people, but it’s stifling to be here. I feel like I’ll never be an adult and I’m going to die without being able to be on my own.
So I’m feeling really down. And you know what sucks? I just want to talk to my ex about it. I want to talk to him and tell him what’s going on, and just complain, and have him there for me. I still miss him so much. Three months later and I’m still crying over him. And he probably doesn’t give me a second thought.
…though he did check my Snapchat story the other day when it obviously was a picture of me. At least I looked cute. Yes, I’m still waging my Snapchat war. Yes, I’m still losing that war too.